Dube, My Baby Brother

I found this in the archives and am in mood to share. This is about the Boxer dog I had waaaaaaaaay back when we were in high school. I hope you enjoy this, because you're not getting a refund, Cooter...


Man is it great to be home from school! All that jive about geometry, history, and biology (had to cut a dead frog apart. Nancy almost puked. She didn't, darn it!) has me wanting to snitch Oreos from the cookie jar, except mom got those Hydrox ones with no flavor. Maybe I'll go back outside and take another look at the orange engine in dad's Monaco. You don't see too many orange engines. Wonder what that "440 Magnum" emblem on the air cleaner means? Whatever it means, that car sure was fast last night. Good thing I rode the bus to school today -I have a feeling the county deputies are on the lookout for that car. Hmm. Maybe I'll go back inside and scold Dube (aside: he was already a year old when we got him and had already been named, so there) for dragging that trash bag through the house and tossing mom's shoes down the stairs. I'd better get him off of the sofa first.

"Dube, get off of the couch."

"Mawrmawrmawrmawrmawrmawr." (Boxers do this really weird mumbling thing.)

"Dube! I mean it. Mom's coming up the street."

"Mawrmawrmawrmawrmawr. GRRRR!"

"Don't you growl at ME, Dube! Ha! I got you by the collar! I'd like to see you get away THIS ti-OW! My CHEEK!"

"Mawrmawrmawr..."

(Sound of the front door opening, followed by a perturbed mom voice) "Roooob! WHY is that dog on the sofa?!"

"I've BEEN trying to pull him off, mom, but he mumbled at me. Then he growled and boxed me in the cheek!"

"Mmm. I doubt that you tried very hard. Have you made his dinner yet?"

"I was about to, but-"

>gasp< WHAT are my SHOES doing on the STAIRS?!"

"Why are you blaming ME?" HE did it!"

"Oh my beautiful sandals! They don't MAKE these anymore! And WHY are there EGG shells and coffee grounds all over the living room CARPET?"

"I forgot to take the trash out this morning... "(voice trails off meekly)

"Oh, well that's great. Now you can make his dinner, then pick up all my shoes and THEN you can vacuum the living room, but FIRST you need to check the basement floor to see if he went to the bathroom down there again. Clean that up first. Do you have homework?"

"Well, not really."

"And by 'not really', what exactly do you mean?"

"Only 150 pages of Latin, 247 pages of geometry, twelve chapters of biology, nine papers, and a reinterpretation of the Mona Lisa for art class. Did you know she doesn't have eyebrows?"

"All right, do your homework and I'LL take care of this mess. I hope you don't have plans to take dad's car anywhere tonight. Don't forget that I chased you down the last time you sneaked the car out late at night without my permission. And clean up your room. There is NO excuse for trying to install a fountain by the dresser."

"Okay, mom. I have dad's best pipe wrench here. Give me a sec. Oh, I need to shut off the water main first so I don't warp the floorboards again."

>sigh< "Do you have any idea how hard it is to teach kids all day, then come home and have to deal with you and that hellion of a dog?"

"Well, no, it's been YEEEAAARS since I taught kids."

"Don't be smart with me. I do NOT appreciate coming home to these messes every day. Now, then: what do you want for dinner?"

"Um... how about pizza?"

"Funny you should say that. We're having meatloaf. And I'm cooking it until it's so well done that it's crunchy all the way through."

"Aw, mooom. Why do you cook it like that?"

"Your father likes beef well done."

"Well done is one thing, but this stuff is like it was blown out of a volcano!"

"Well, do your homework and I'll put a bottle of catsup next to your plate. And don't even THINK about sneaking your dinner to Dube!"

"Uh... Mom?"

>tsk< >siiighh< "What is it now?"

"Did you hear dad's car start up?"

"I think I did. Why?"

Where's Dube?"

"Well, in the living room, of course. What kind of -the front door is wide open!"

"Not only that, mom, but look! Some guy with pointy ears and a brown coat just stole dad's Monaco!"

"Well, let's hope he has coupons for Gainsburgers."