What a horrible title. I know. A few who have been reading this blog (and others like it which I seem to have misplaced) are used to intriguing titles like "When Dogs Commit Anthropomorphic Fallacy" or "Steak Fries: Are They Right For You?", but in my defense I'm hot and tired. I was tempted to title today's entry, "Never Drink A Slurpee While Taking A Cold Shower", but some of you out there are too dirty-minded and would never have let me live such a title down. and that's sad, of course, because just this afternoon I was, in fact, drinking a large, Cola-flavored Slurpee while standing in a cold shower. I do this because (a) money is tight, (b) because I'm cheap and don't want to enable the CEO of AEP's greed, and (c) because you know you've always wanted to do this, but were afraid of what your loved ones would think. One of my favorite standup comics says he likes to step into the shower with his clothes on, turn on the shower, and pretend he's in a submarine that got torpedoed. Well, I do that too, but I save that naughtiness for laundry day. Today is all about peeling off my drenched-with-sweat work shirt, turning the cold water on with such precipitous force that I get blasted against the towel (purchased from TJ Maxx for $10) hanging on the rack opposite of the faucet wall, and get forced to inhale deeply whether I want to or not. This latter point is key to my decision to climb into the shower, since I've been short of breath lately and cold water really helps me breathe. Of course, inhaling deeply when going into hypothermia can only help, so I elect to keep the cold water running until I'm just about incoherent.
While the hamburgers are frying away and the steak fries are changing into a golden brown that only Burger King could possibly duplicate, and while I'm hard at work anticipating how great it's all going to taste with the Goulden's mustard, the balsamic vinegar, and the garlic powder, it occurs to me that preseason football is just around the corner. Yep, in just literally days we're all going to be cheering our teams on to win those oh-so-important preseason games like we're already in the playoffs. Oh, the humiliation, nay tragedy, of being outscored by... another highly trained, equipped, and motivated team of professional athletes who have been playing this game since they were kids. What will my fellow football-loving coworkers think if the Steelers fall, in Preseason, The Prophetic Word of Future Victory, to some team like the Panthers? Could I ever look them in the eye again or until next week when Pittsburgh wins a preseason contest which carries with it all the importance of an audited college course on your gpa? We'll have to see, but this blogger has steeled himself (no pun intended; I'm a Steelers fan, btw) with a dogged determination to see these harrowing few games through to their bitter end. Frankly, I believe the Steelers are going to have a great season, but if I'm wrong, so be it.
There are always cold showers and Slurpees.
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